LIVING WITHOUT JAMES
Living without James
THE mother of one of victims of the Omagh bomb has not stopped crying since that awful day.
In her first in depth interview about how her life has changed since her son's death, Donna Maria Barker told the London based Irish Post that her politics were changed forever on that day and she now rejects her Catholic Nationalist background.
She lost her 12-year-old son, James, on August 15, 1998 and he was one of the 29 people killed by the massive car bomb.
"I just let the tears fall. I gave up caring a long time ago," said Donna Maria as she opened up to the Irish Post.
She also revealed the only time she will return to Ireland is when those responsible are caught and are behind bars.
A lady who never knew bitterness or hate now know all about it and how it eats away at you!
"It was my decision to move back to Ireland and I have to live with the fact that I took my son to his death," Donna Maria says.
"James was a beautiful boy. He had a smile and dancing eyes that as soon as you saw him you would have to smile back at him."
And that is what she misses so much.
Donna Maria Barker was brought up by her grandparents in Derry in a typically Nationalist Catholic household. In a cruel twist of fate she was also the soloist at the funeral Mass of every victim of Bloody Sunday in 1972.
However her politics have now changed.
"I know its very hard for Irish people because they have their own beliefs and I did as a young girl in Ireland and the flag flying and all that. But now? Crap.
"All this fighting over flags and land, who cares? We all die in the end and it will still go on. People have to get on with life.
"I now know about bitterness and hate and how it eats away at you. It's only when you get away from the environment and look at it as an outsider do you really see it for what it is."
When Donna Maria Barker moved to Britain to marry English solicitor Victor Barker in the early 1980s, she shared the dream of many other emigrants to eventually move her family home and bring them up in Ireland.
In 1997 the Barker family took the plunge and moved with their four children Erin-Esther, Estella, James and Oliver to their dream home in Buncrana
"It was my decision to move back to Ireland and I have to live with the fact that I took my son to his death," Donna says.
"James was our baby. He was very close to his sisters. Estella went everywhere with him and on that day she decided not to go for whatever reason. Four words from her that morning were 'Mama I'm not going'."
James and his Spanish student friend, Fernando Baselga Blanco, left for a trip to the Ulster-American Folk Park and never came home.
Donna and Victor had been entertaining friends that night.
"I had a bad feeling," Donna says. "My mother arrived at the restaurant and said that James, Luce (Fernando's sister who had been staying with the Barker family) and Fernando had not returned home.
"Then everything went haywire. When we got back to the house at 11.30pm, we phoned all the hospitals but nothing.
"We were lying in bed at 2.30am when Victor turned around to me and said 'I think we have to go to Omagh'.
"We were very quiet in the car. We knew James would have rung if he was going to be late."
'YOU COULD FEEL DEATH'
When they got to Omagh, the Barkers were told to go the Leisure Centre.
"You could feel death there," Donna says, "People pounced on us, ushering us and throwing questions at us.
"I was able to answer every question about James from his underwear and socks to the England football shirt he was wearing.
"They asked me what would differentiate him from any other child. And I said 'on his right hand leg is a mole, his freckly face and his green eyes'.
"As soon as they finished they were gone. I looked at Victor and he looked at me. We shook our heads. We knew James was dead."
"He lay there with blood on his face and I said: 'My baby's going to get up now'. I said to him: 'I've come for you and I'm not going to leave without you', but he was just lying there with his eyes wide open.
After James's death Donna couldn't wait to get away from Ireland. They sold their home in Donegal and moved back to Surrey.
They were determined that James would go with them so they had his body reburied in the beautiful grounds of his old school a short distance from their house.
She says: "When I get up in the morning I put my feet on ground and I seem to get this cloak of heaviness over me.
"These people destroyed our family life our children and they are walking free and life goes on for them and we seem to be in limbo."
Donna says she has found some comfort in her remaining children.
"I can't let them be out of my sight for very long though," she says. "Estella still hasn't gone to a disco yet and she is 17 and a half.
"She has taken James' death very badly because she blames herself for not being there and she has to carry that through her life.
"And Erin-Esther is getting married abroad this year - because her brother is not around she doesn't want a wedding here.
"I really feel that at any time I could lose my children and in a split second they can be taken from you."
The Barkers have not returned to Ireland since James was killed and they say they will only return if the Omagh families' civil action goes ahead.
"Everyone knows the people who are responsible for this. Six months afterwards everyone knew, including the Dublin and British governments.
"It's such a little word 'justice'. And I think everybody would be able to move on if we could do our bit for justice.
"We need to get these people behind bars because I don't want to ever see this happen to another family.
"The despair, the turmoil, Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day.
"It would be so bad to see the civil action go under when so much work has been done on it."
At present the Omagh Victims Legal Trust has raised over �1 million but needs at least another half a million to proceed with the legal action.
"If everyone in Britain sent us a pound we would have millions and could get the justice that we deserve.
"It's easy to turn your back but I believe people want to see justice.
"When Colm Murphy was put behind bars I wish I had been there. I would've turned to his wife who was chanting and said to her, 'At least you are still able to go and visit your husband in prison and say I love you while I have a grave to go to and cry over'."
"But I'll wait. Whatever it takes I can wait. I get courage from James and say to him, 'You are not going to die in vain, we are here and we will stick by you.
"Even if no one else will your mummy and daddy will."
"At times I still get very low and other times I say' Why should I let them get the better of me'. But I do believe in an eye for an eye now. I'm in no doubt that we will get our day and if the people out there can give kindly so I can put my fist up in the air and shout 'yes'. Maybe I'll smile that day."
THE mother of one of victims of the Omagh bomb has not stopped crying since that awful day.
In her first in depth interview about how her life has changed since her son's death, Donna Maria Barker told the London based Irish Post that her politics were changed forever on that day and she now rejects her Catholic Nationalist background.
She lost her 12-year-old son, James, on August 15, 1998 and he was one of the 29 people killed by the massive car bomb.
"I just let the tears fall. I gave up caring a long time ago," said Donna Maria as she opened up to the Irish Post.
She also revealed the only time she will return to Ireland is when those responsible are caught and are behind bars.
A lady who never knew bitterness or hate now know all about it and how it eats away at you!
"It was my decision to move back to Ireland and I have to live with the fact that I took my son to his death," Donna Maria says.
"James was a beautiful boy. He had a smile and dancing eyes that as soon as you saw him you would have to smile back at him."
And that is what she misses so much.
Donna Maria Barker was brought up by her grandparents in Derry in a typically Nationalist Catholic household. In a cruel twist of fate she was also the soloist at the funeral Mass of every victim of Bloody Sunday in 1972.
However her politics have now changed.
"I know its very hard for Irish people because they have their own beliefs and I did as a young girl in Ireland and the flag flying and all that. But now? Crap.
"All this fighting over flags and land, who cares? We all die in the end and it will still go on. People have to get on with life.
"I now know about bitterness and hate and how it eats away at you. It's only when you get away from the environment and look at it as an outsider do you really see it for what it is."
When Donna Maria Barker moved to Britain to marry English solicitor Victor Barker in the early 1980s, she shared the dream of many other emigrants to eventually move her family home and bring them up in Ireland.
In 1997 the Barker family took the plunge and moved with their four children Erin-Esther, Estella, James and Oliver to their dream home in Buncrana
"It was my decision to move back to Ireland and I have to live with the fact that I took my son to his death," Donna says.
"James was our baby. He was very close to his sisters. Estella went everywhere with him and on that day she decided not to go for whatever reason. Four words from her that morning were 'Mama I'm not going'."
James and his Spanish student friend, Fernando Baselga Blanco, left for a trip to the Ulster-American Folk Park and never came home.
Donna and Victor had been entertaining friends that night.
"I had a bad feeling," Donna says. "My mother arrived at the restaurant and said that James, Luce (Fernando's sister who had been staying with the Barker family) and Fernando had not returned home.
"Then everything went haywire. When we got back to the house at 11.30pm, we phoned all the hospitals but nothing.
"We were lying in bed at 2.30am when Victor turned around to me and said 'I think we have to go to Omagh'.
"We were very quiet in the car. We knew James would have rung if he was going to be late."
'YOU COULD FEEL DEATH'
When they got to Omagh, the Barkers were told to go the Leisure Centre.
"You could feel death there," Donna says, "People pounced on us, ushering us and throwing questions at us.
"I was able to answer every question about James from his underwear and socks to the England football shirt he was wearing.
"They asked me what would differentiate him from any other child. And I said 'on his right hand leg is a mole, his freckly face and his green eyes'.
"As soon as they finished they were gone. I looked at Victor and he looked at me. We shook our heads. We knew James was dead."
"He lay there with blood on his face and I said: 'My baby's going to get up now'. I said to him: 'I've come for you and I'm not going to leave without you', but he was just lying there with his eyes wide open.
After James's death Donna couldn't wait to get away from Ireland. They sold their home in Donegal and moved back to Surrey.
They were determined that James would go with them so they had his body reburied in the beautiful grounds of his old school a short distance from their house.
She says: "When I get up in the morning I put my feet on ground and I seem to get this cloak of heaviness over me.
"These people destroyed our family life our children and they are walking free and life goes on for them and we seem to be in limbo."
Donna says she has found some comfort in her remaining children.
"I can't let them be out of my sight for very long though," she says. "Estella still hasn't gone to a disco yet and she is 17 and a half.
"She has taken James' death very badly because she blames herself for not being there and she has to carry that through her life.
"And Erin-Esther is getting married abroad this year - because her brother is not around she doesn't want a wedding here.
"I really feel that at any time I could lose my children and in a split second they can be taken from you."
The Barkers have not returned to Ireland since James was killed and they say they will only return if the Omagh families' civil action goes ahead.
"Everyone knows the people who are responsible for this. Six months afterwards everyone knew, including the Dublin and British governments.
"It's such a little word 'justice'. And I think everybody would be able to move on if we could do our bit for justice.
"We need to get these people behind bars because I don't want to ever see this happen to another family.
"The despair, the turmoil, Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day.
"It would be so bad to see the civil action go under when so much work has been done on it."
At present the Omagh Victims Legal Trust has raised over �1 million but needs at least another half a million to proceed with the legal action.
"If everyone in Britain sent us a pound we would have millions and could get the justice that we deserve.
"It's easy to turn your back but I believe people want to see justice.
"When Colm Murphy was put behind bars I wish I had been there. I would've turned to his wife who was chanting and said to her, 'At least you are still able to go and visit your husband in prison and say I love you while I have a grave to go to and cry over'."
"But I'll wait. Whatever it takes I can wait. I get courage from James and say to him, 'You are not going to die in vain, we are here and we will stick by you.
"Even if no one else will your mummy and daddy will."
"At times I still get very low and other times I say' Why should I let them get the better of me'. But I do believe in an eye for an eye now. I'm in no doubt that we will get our day and if the people out there can give kindly so I can put my fist up in the air and shout 'yes'. Maybe I'll smile that day."
Further Information
Publisher: ULSTER HERALD
Ref: UH/0994
Published Date: 04-Apr-02
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